I was online last night when the Brugh Joy Announcement e-mail came through.  I had a fleeting thought “OMG I wonder what’s going on – has the 13th update arrived?”  I had another split second thought . . .

I open the e-mail.  It begins:  “Brugh passed away this evening at 7:31pm in peace.”

I feel No feeling of dread.  At a loss for words.  I begin a Tweet about it.  I don’t know what to say other than announce it.  What I notice is that I don’t feel sad.  I feel a loss.  And yet, I have no regrets.  I don’t send the Tweet.

Then channel surfing, I happen across a M.A.S.H. rerun and stop to watch.  BJ and Hawkeye are hunched over a microscope. Hawkeye stands up and BJ asks if Hawkeye wants  him to tell the soldier.  Hawkeye says NO, all this soldier wanted to do was help his friend and we find out he’s the one who needs the help.

He goes into the room with all the cots and I see a familiar face of an actor on the bed.  I think, “It can’t be.  It’s a young Patrick Swayze, who in real life passed away from Cancer.  OK, I don’t believe this!!!  I’m seeing a RERUN of a TV show with Patrick Swayze who passed away from the effects of pancreatic cancer which is the same thing that Brugh passed away from!!”  What’s going on here?  I’m doing a lot of wondering now.  Is this a message from Brugh?  Is this me and my energy?  WHAT???

Then, the TV show dialogue continues, Hawkeye is attempting to NOT tell the soldier something.  He keeps telling the solder he’s got to go to Tokyo.  The soldier says, “What about Billy?  What aren’t you telling me?  You told me I could give blood to Billy and now you’re saying I can’t?  What’s going on?”

I’m beginning to feel weird. ” Uh, oh.  Oh no.  Don’t tell me.  Cancer.”, I’m thinking.  Just then Hawkeye says, “You have lukemia.”   My mind is screaming, “CANCER AGAIN!  WHAaaaaa?  What is this?  What is going on?  Is this me? Is this a message from Brugh?”

The actor Patrick Swayze, in real life, passes away from Pancreatic Cancer.  I learn tonight that Brugh Joy has also passed away frmo Pancreatic Cancer.  In this rerun, which I just happened to STOP upon this evening, Patric Swayze, in reel life, is being told he has Cancer.

I have no answer to any of my questions.  I take comfort in knowing that this sort of thing happens to me, via a song, a TV show, an advertisement, etc.  So I don’t freak out too much!

There’s more . . .

Father Mulkahey is attempting to impress the visiting Cardinal and everything seems to be going wrong for him.  In the midst of venting to Hawkeye, who is not paying any attention to Fr. Mulkahey, Hawkeye tells him about the young soldier.  Father immediately went to talk with the young man and stayed with him all night.

Klinger goes to find Father the next morning because the rest of the camp has gathered in a tent waiting for Father to begin the service introducing the Cardinal. When Klinger found Father the young soldier was beaming, radiant and smiling.   Father arrived at the tent in his robe and explaining why, delivered a sermon in which he told the story of TWO MEN,  One man attempting to impress others, get pats on the back and attaboys, while the other man, facing one of human beings most difficult challenges, that of death, was only thinking of how he could help his friend.

Was Brugh answering a question I had of hin which I hadn’t asked him?  I was wondering why he was doing so many things to live when he spent so much time “not here” so much time “on the other side”.  I was also wondering if he was having JOY in his life.

AND I was thinking ‘chocolate, vanilla, CHOOSE’.  Do ya’ wanna’ be here or not?  If not, “JUST LET GO!”

I had been thinking that there are no accidents, no coincidences, his last name is JOY and mine is BRAGG.  I have come to think that I gave that reminder to myself prior to coming here to NOT do that, to not BRAG.  Not to take credit for things I am not doing.  To give credit to the Creator.

I came to think that Brugh gave himself a reminder to have JOY in his life.  More JOY.  And so I wondered if he allowed himself that.  And didn’t ask.

So back to M.A.S.H.  Something to do with Fr. Mulkahey.  Usually the series doesn’t feature a storyline about the good Father.  Carolyn says the last thing she whispered in Brugh’s ear was – Frere Mystico.  So why am I tuning in to THIS episode about Cancer, Fr. Mulkahey and the story of TWO MEN?

Was Brugh attempting to answer me via the story of TWO MEN?  Was he likening himself to the young solder who wanted to help his friend?  Was he telling me that due to his bout with death at age 30 – he came back to teach and then in 1998 he did so again, spanning a teaching career of 40 years?

I couldn’t imagine that he was telling me I came to teach.  So was he telling me that I was like Fr. Mulkahey attempting to impress, get pats on the back and attaboys?  Maybe at an earlier time in my life.  Not now.

And then I decided maybe I was being too one-sided.  That at best, I represent BOTH Father Mulkahey AND the young soldier.  As I reflect, I have been and may be BOTH of them at times in my life.  And probably so did Brugh.

And of course, I’m making all this up.  All that really happened is that one of my spiritual/metaphysical heroes passed away last night.

According to NO OUT THERE then, this is really ME, giving myself a message,a reminder.

Maybe my inner SELF is attempting to use Brugh’s passing, the M.A.S.H rerun with it’s storyline to tell me it’s time to put away childish things, it’s time for me to stop hiding, time for me to stop being “Chicken BIG”, it’s TIME for me to STOP being TWO MEN and TIME to begin to SHARE, really SHARE, as the young soldier intended, to SHARE his BLOOD, his SELF with his friend.  Maybe the message is for me to get down to brass tacks (i.e. finish the NO OUT THERE BOOK) and SHARE what has been given ME to share BEFORE time runs out.

What do YOU think?

P.S.  After I posted this I remembered a thought I had earlier.  I will remember him, his teaching, the spiral meditation AND what I learned from him because his passing will now be part of my Christmas Holiday.  Way to go Brugh!

P.S.S. At some later date I will post the rest of the  Brugh and the “dessert camera” saga!!!

The weather’s GREAT.  Mom baked the cupcakes and cake loaves before I got here.  Some have even been delivered.  What’s left is to find suitable containers for the loaves and get them wrapped for delivery.

The transmission on their van has been leaking fluid.  So it’s been in and out of the shop.  Daddy took it back in this morning and left it.  That makes the 2nd time it’s been left since I’ve been here.  The other two times he took it and brought it back home.

For some reason, I’ve been sneezing and my nose is running.  That hasn’t happened for several years and initially that was due to Cat Allergy.  (When they first moved here they had a cat named SQUEEKY.  I couldn’t stay at their house when I came to visit.  I stayed with my Aunt who lived about 10 minutes away.  After the cat died, we had to wash down their entire house with Ammonia water and later spray with Febreeze Anti-microbial.)

And since I was creating Holiday Greetings to send out from No Out There, I decided to put something together for them to send to our family .  Here it is.  ENJOY.

Make a Smilebox greeting

I’m Auntie.  No longer friend and playmate.  Just Auntie.

We used to share the same room – bunk beds.  I’d sleep on the bottom bunk.  She’d help me try different remedies for my snoring.  We used to take turns reading aloud to one another.  We used to play board games, i.e. Scrabble for Juniors, Monopoly Junior, Chutes and Ladders, Guess Who?, Operation, Candy Land,  and card games, Racko and Uno, to name a few.  We’d play with Barbie and Barbie’s My House, Barbie’s Surfs Up Pool, Barbie and Kelly’s Supermarket Playset.  We’d go to the movies.  Grab a bite to eat.  Go shopping.  Watch cartoons and TV.  Buy gifts for the family.  Buy gifts for the dog, Ms. Jackie Robinson.  Ahhhhh, those were the days.

This may be the last Thanksgiving I drive 2-1/2 to 3 hours each way to have dinner Thursday, veg out on TV and/or shop on Friday, put up Xmas decorations on Saturday,  return home on Sunday OR go to church on Sunday and return home on Monday.

She has her own room now – and I’ve got a guest room.  This year and last, no reading aloud together, however we played Wii.  No board games – she plays with her Gameboy.  Last year I got to sit with her at the movie.  This year I couldn’t – she made a date to see the movie with her friends.  (I have to admit they had made plans to see it previously and one of her friends was ill so it was rescheduled to this weekend.)   And I had to make a good argument as to WHY I could attend the same movie at the same time they were going!!!

Once I got home tonight, I phoned my good friend Jane, mother of my 2 godsons, Adam and Joey, 22 and 19, respectively, because I knew SHE understood what I was going through, being a mother and all.

She said, “Yes” she said, “What you’re describing is kind of like being a mother.  That relationship, that bond.”

She reminded me I went through the same thing with the boys.  Either I don’t remember it feeling this lousy OR it didn’t feel this lousy.

And as she continued talking with me, I realized, YES, I went through some of this same letting go with them. When it became no longer “COOL” to go to the movies with their “Auntie”.  (Yes, we all know I’m the god-mom, however when they were younger they didn’t distinguish and we didn’t correct them.)  We no longer had play dates either.  Then they got girlfriends and learned to drive.  And because their Mom and I are friends and I continue to visit with HER, they continue to see me and I them, so I am still in their lives.  (They are only a 20 minutes drive away.)

Then Jane said, “Find SOME way to continue being in her life.  She said, “You’re the one that’s always telling me it’s all about family and relationships.”

Once she said that, I remembered I had been thinking on the drive home of alternatives to keep in touch with my niece in case I decide not to make the trip next year.  I thanked Jane for reminding me of that.

Here are the ideas I came up with on the way home:   I thought of sending her an e-card on the 29th of each month from the ‘Celebrate the Date’ series and engage her in a discussion about them.  (She was born on the 29th.)  She has a cellphone so I thought to send her a text message on another day at least once a month.  Those two things are a start.

Additionally, she says she wants to be a lawyer.  Her mom says the 1st African American Woman Supreme Court Justice.  I asked her if she was on the debate team at her school because debate is one of the skills of a good attorney.  She said she knew lawyers needed to be good debaters AND that they didn’t have a debate team at her school, nor at the high school she is planning to attend.  So perhaps she and I can locate a debate team in her area.

So, in the world of No Out There, she’s not doing anything to me.  She’s not to blame.  She’s not at fault.  AND neither am I.  It’s just what’s happening.  And I get to decide how to be with that.  My decision at this moment is to beef up my presence on a monthly basis.

AND I’ve just thought of something else we could do together – which would mean I’d have to make the trip next year.  According to her mother, my niece likes to cook.  I’m a pretty good cook, even though I don’t too much any more.  IF she still enjoys to cook next year – her tastes change quickly – I can teach her some of the fun things I used to like to make, i.e,. hors d’oeuvres, finger sandwiches, de-boned Chicken stuffed with dressing, Farfel, Turkey Tetrazzini, etc.  We could plan a meal for Saturday and invite her maternal grandparents or even some of her friends.  Maybe even have a girlfriends party.   Hmmmm . . .

End of an Era?  Maybe not.  What do YOU think?